And what do YOU do?

I've recently been discussing with some friends an LDS cultural phenomenon that can be a source of frustration for women such as myself. It's something that before I got married, I never even dreamed I'd have to deal with. It is what occurs nearly every time I meet a new LDS man. He tends to ask my husband what he's studying, what his career plans are, what interests he has and then he almost always fails to pose these same questions to me. I'm guessing there's the tacit assumption that the answer to the question, "what do YOU do?" when posed to me would basically be, "I'm his wife. I... wife him."

This is hard for me. Before I was married, LDS men would ask me these questions. They wanted to know what I studied, what my aspirations were, what my hobbies and interests were. So my question is, why do these questions cease after marriage? Do these men feel like their interest might be somehow misconstrued as too much? Is my major in college and career plan an intimate secret, knowledge to which only my husband should be privy to, lest some unsuspecting Mormon man might be tempted to commit adultery with me? Or is it really the 1950s assumption that once a woman is married, any education or interest she may have had is automatically irrelevant because obviously, she is going to forget all that and focus on housewifery and child bearing?

I'm not saying it's either one. Maybe it's something entirely different that I haven't considered. All I know is, it's probably time that we LDS expanded our get to know you question repertoire. Many LDS women work. All LDS women have interests outside of childcare and housework. And I'm going to have the audacity to speak on their behalf and say that they'd like to be questioned about those other interests from time to time.

Comments

  1. DJ ScheererOctober 21, 2013 at 6:06 PM

    I feel totally awkward chatting up a guys wife. Always. I don't know why.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JenniferOctober 21, 2013 at 8:24 PM

    Because you're viewing her as "a guy's wife" instead of "a person"? It's something that we're all prone to doing with women--myself included--defining them in terms of their relationships to other people, especially men. I mean, of course there's a point at which it's necessary to draw boundaries in relationships with married people of the opposite sex/complementary sexual orientation. But that doesn't preclude these sorts of conversations or even friendships.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ChelseyOctober 21, 2013 at 8:33 PM

    Have you tried interjecting yourself into the conversation? Maybe talk to your husband about including you as well? I don't think this is an LDS thing, but a societal one. Like it or not, the fact is men's worth is based on what they do and how they can provide; society has placed women's worth with how they look. Don't wait for a man to ask; tell him! :) I'm sure these same men have been burned for asking what a wife does when she DOESN'T have a job. Help them out by helping them learn proper social script for the occasion.

    ReplyDelete

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