It's Been A While

It’s been a while.

I’ve had a few people mention that they miss my blog posts and ask why I’ve stopped blogging. In case anyone else is wondering, I thought I’d finally post this here. It has taken me a long time to feel like I’m ready to write about this and to know exactly what I want to say.

First of all, I stopped blogging because I stopped struggling with the questions and issues that are the topic of this blog. I felt like I came to my conclusion, which was that as much as I believe the LDS church leaders are trying to follow the Savior and do their best, it is my opinion that the policies and doctrines regarding gender as the church currently practices/teaches are not right. I don’t believe that men should preside, even if they do it in a respectful, Christlike manner. I don’t believe that men presiding and women sustaining is God’s idea of how things should be. I believe that this arrangement came from men, from our basest, most unevolved inclinations, and is not divine in origin.

The point of this post is not to explain why that is my opinion. That was the point of every other previous post in this blog. If you’re interested in my reasoning, go ahead and go back over things I wrote before.

I am not angry at the church. I wasn’t offended by any one individual. I’m grateful that my parents and the church taught me to know and love my Heavenly Parents, and Jesus Christ, my Savior. I’ve had life changing experiences through this organization that have made me a better person. There is a lot of good there and a lot of truth. I do not believe that the leaders are anything other than completely earnest in their beliefs and intent.

But I do think they’re wrong about gender. And I no longer think that the church embraces all truth, or that it is perfectly guided directly by Jesus Christ. I’m not really sure that I believe in priesthood as a source of divine authority at all anymore, actually. I think every church is an organization of imperfect human beings, inspired by the divine, trying to make the world a better place, but sometimes misguided by tradition or prejudice or human error.

I love religion. I think it is beautiful. I love sacred mystery and ancient ritual and the human desire to commune with the divine and be more than we are. I don’t want the church to be wrong. But my heart, my soul, all that is essentially and eternally “me” tells me that it is, about this. It’s taken me about a decade of thought, prayer, study, conversation, and temple attendance to come to this conclusion.

So I stopped blogging because when I took a step back from the church, several things happened. I felt more… human. I felt more at one with all of my fellow sojourners on earth. I don’t think I’d ever really noticed that feeling of separateness that much until I took that step. It may sound strange to say it, but I suddenly came to the realization that I’m just another person, like anyone else. And for some reason, that made me feel happy and less alone.

 Another thing that happened is that I felt the Spirit telling me that I didn’t have to worry about laboring under ideas and beliefs that caused me pain. I don’t have to try to make sense of ideas that don’t make any sense because they’re false. Those things can’t hurt me anymore. I was able to cast off all of the doctrines and practices that made me feel “less than”. And disowning those beliefs re-established my sense of self-worth and my relationship with the Divine. It made me feel safe again and free and like a huge weight had been lifted.

Getting that distance and casting off the power that the church had to define my beliefs allowed me to heal. And that took away the point of this blog. I no longer had anything to pick apart or discuss, because I no longer feel the need to try to make excuses or make sense of the sexism of the church. It doesn’t have to affect me anymore and I have no problem with seeing it as exactly what it appears to be. But now I’m able to see it just like any other opinion that I disagree with, of which I’m not required to take any ownership, for which I will make no excuses.

I do feel sorrow for the people these teachings hurt, especially since my kids will be raised with them, since my husband is active. I don’t have every detail of this ironed out, obviously. I just wanted peace. I was exhausted. It hurt too much. I didn’t feel like my religion was supposed to make my life that much harder. Maybe that’s a cop out. But I can honestly say that peace and happiness have increased in my life.

I don’t have it all figured out. Distancing myself from the church has also taught me that humility. It’s ok to not have an answer to every single question in eternity. I’m fine with that. In fact, I’d rather have no answer than some of the answers that the church provides. I’d rather just say, “I don’t know, but I know that God is love.” That has been my overall guiding truth.

My biggest regret is that I know my opinions and choice in this matter deeply hurt some of the people I love most in the world. It makes me very sad to disappoint them. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s celestial family. I hope that those people will believe that I am just doing my best with what I have, same as them. I hope they can forgive me for the hurt that my actions cause. I hope they can believe that I am trying to follow my conscience and embrace truth and right, love and light. I don’t think less of anyone for choosing a different religious path than me. I hope we can be sensitive and respectful of each other’s choices.

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