A Proper Wife

I grew up with an unhealthy view of mental illness. I was told that people on ADHD medications were usually just victims of poor parenting and medical overreach. I was taught that most people on antidepressants didn’t actually need them. I got the message that being on psychotropic medications was a weakness, something shameful. I remember reading in teen magazines about things like eating disorders and self-mutilation. I remember when I started seeing things like that in kids my age. I remember when my best friend in Junior High ripped out most of her hair and tried to slit her wrists. I stopped talking to her. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I remember the first time I contemplated suicide. I was 12. I remember feeling like no one on earth loved me. I can look back now, having learned and knowing better, and I can see the disordered thinking, the self-isolation, the rumination, the extreme anxiety. I remember lying in bed crying so hard that my lips would tingle and I’d fe

Baby blessings are difficult. You'd think given all the lip service that the church gives mothers that they'd come up with some way to allow moms to feel like something other than bystanders. But neither of the bishops I had while blessing a child did. So I was again unable to even hold my child, again told that my participation was unnecessary and unwanted in this event. Some moms are allowed to hold their babies while they're blessed at church. Other moms who feel similarly bless their children at home where no church leader can interfere with deciding who holds the child (the fact that this is even an issue seems insane to me). Some moms will do a mother's blessing  at home. My husband was uncomfortable with a home blessing. I was uncomfortable with a private mother's blessing because it felt like this furtive, sad, consolation prize. My ability to bless or hold my child isn't a question to me, it's the fact that my doing so is viewed as illegitim

It’s been a while. I’ve had a few people mention that they miss my blog posts and ask why I’ve stopped blogging. In case anyone else is wondering, I thought I’d finally post this here. It has taken me a long time to feel like I’m ready to write about this and to know exactly what I want to say. First of all, I stopped blogging because I stopped struggling with the questions and issues that are the topic of this blog. I felt like I came to my conclusion, which was that as much as I believe the LDS church leaders are trying to follow the Savior and do their best, it is my opinion that the policies and doctrines regarding gender as the church currently practices/teaches are not right. I don’t believe that men should preside, even if they do it in a respectful, Christlike manner. I don’t believe that men presiding and women sustaining is God’s idea of how things should be. I believe that this arrangement came from men, from our basest, most unevolved inclinations, and is not divine in