A Proper Wife

I haven't written on here for over a year, but when I heard about the changes made to the temple ceremonies, I think I went into a little bit of shock. When I heard the news , my brain got all fuzzy and I couldn't think straight, for a while I felt kind of disembodied. I thought these changes would take decades to happen, at least. I imagine it might be a little bit like what it felt like for women to finally be able to vote, or for black people to be able to be endowed and receive the priesthood. This blog was where I spent years struggling through these issues. This was where I had to go to process the news. I was endowed in 2007. I spent twelve years feeling varying degrees of pain, confusion, degradation, sorrow, fear, and immense pressure because of the wording of the temple ceremonies. I went through intense psychological, spiritual, and emotional turmoil and upheaval because of the gender disparity there. I made deep and possibly irrevocable changes to my worldview, my...

I grew up with an unhealthy view of mental illness. I was told that people on ADHD medications were usually just victims of poor parenting and medical overreach. I was taught that most people on antidepressants didn’t actually need them. I got the message that being on psychotropic medications was a weakness, something shameful. I remember reading in teen magazines about things like eating disorders and self-mutilation. I remember when I started seeing things like that in kids my age. I remember when my best friend in Junior High ripped out most of her hair and tried to slit her wrists. I stopped talking to her. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I remember the first time I contemplated suicide. I was 12. I remember feeling like no one on earth loved me. I can look back now, having learned and knowing better, and I can see the disordered thinking, the self-isolation, the rumination, the extreme anxiety. I remember lying in bed crying so hard that my lips would tingle and I’d fe...

Baby blessings are difficult. You'd think given all the lip service that the church gives mothers that they'd come up with some way to allow moms to feel like something other than bystanders. But neither of the bishops I had while blessing a child did. So I was again unable to even hold my child, again told that my participation was unnecessary and unwanted in this event. Some moms are allowed to hold their babies while they're blessed at church. Other moms who feel similarly bless their children at home where no church leader can interfere with deciding who holds the child (the fact that this is even an issue seems insane to me). Some moms will do a mother's blessing  at home. My husband was uncomfortable with a home blessing. I was uncomfortable with a private mother's blessing because it felt like this furtive, sad, consolation prize. My ability to bless or hold my child isn't a question to me, it's the fact that my doing so is viewed as illegitim...

It’s been a while. I’ve had a few people mention that they miss my blog posts and ask why I’ve stopped blogging. In case anyone else is wondering, I thought I’d finally post this here. It has taken me a long time to feel like I’m ready to write about this and to know exactly what I want to say. First of all, I stopped blogging because I stopped struggling with the questions and issues that are the topic of this blog. I felt like I came to my conclusion, which was that as much as I believe the LDS church leaders are trying to follow the Savior and do their best, it is my opinion that the policies and doctrines regarding gender as the church currently practices/teaches are not right. I don’t believe that men should preside, even if they do it in a respectful, Christlike manner. I don’t believe that men presiding and women sustaining is God’s idea of how things should be. I believe that this arrangement came from men, from our basest, most unevolved inclinations, and is not divine in ...

These are some thoughts I've been stewing on for a while. Recently in a conversation with a woman of non-feminist persuasion, I was accused of looking down my nose at mothers (presumably, including myself) and devaluing motherhood. I think this is a really important point to clarify, since I feel like it's a common misconception about feminists. I suppose there are some feminists who disdain motherhood. There are some feminists who do/say just about anything. It's a varied group with a spectrum of opinions, but third wave feminism (the feminism of now) is generally characterized by being accepting and supportive of all women's choices, and their right to make those choices. The conversation usually goes like this: "I think women in the church should have institutional power, visibility, and voice." "Men and women will never be the same." "Innate differences aside, I still think women should have equal institutional power, visibility, and vo...

Feminism isn’t some monolithic structure headed by a prophetess who speaks the Feminist Truth. Any human being who believes that men and women are of equal worth and should have equal rights, privileges, and opportunities is a feminist. So you can’t really say, “Feminists all think x,y,z…” with any degree of accuracy unless x,y,z is the above definition. There’s a broad variety of opinions among Feminists on any number of subjects. So you'll get a broad variety of responses on this topic if  you ask various Feminists, but here's my take on it, and sorry, (not sorry) if my RadFem petticoats are showing a tad. Call me what you will. On a personal level, I’m a feminist of the variety that believes that transgenderism is undeniably biologically-based , and an incredibly sad and difficult trial. I have unending empathy for the difficulty of their life and I would never presume to tell them what their experience is or who or what they really are. I don’t believe I have that righ...

I think one of the major changes in my faith over the last few years has been centered basically in the question of how correct the prophets are. Are prophets correct when my heart, testimony, and conception of God are in conflict with them? Are prophets correct when history shows their actions to be based in prejudice, bias, and other incorrect motivations? My husband’s favorite joke about Mormonism is that the Catholics teach that their Pope is infallible, but none of them believe it and Mormons teach that their prophets are fallible, but none of us believe it. A member of our Presidency recently said in General Conference that LDS leaders have made mistakes and in the same session, another person quoted the, “the leaders of the church will never lead you astray” quote. So there is undeniable ambiguity. The recent essays that have come out of Joseph Smith’s polygamous wives, and race and the Priesthood test this tension. Were prophets right when they took priesthood away fro...

We are soon moving away from Zion, so we thought it might be our last chance to check out Restoration Movement offshoots such as Community of Christ. I’m always a fan of interfaith experiences and this was one I didn't think I’d be able to get outside of Utah. Obviously, it's also a group that is fascinating to me because of my beliefs on feminist and gender issues in the church. So I thought I’d share my impressions about my experience of worshipping with the Community of Christ. We attended Sunday school first, which was a loosely-led group discussion on the idea of “Shalom,” which is the concept of true peace, the peace that only Christ gives. Shalom comes from living according to a person’s highest standard of integrity to oneself and the truth that they have. It also comes from being at peace with God, community and having positive relationships. It’s intricately bound up with the idea of building Zion. Comments focused on the evils of war and poverty and how we can’t...

This is a bit late. I've been busy. This most recent session of General Conference was so inspiring and beautiful to me. Was it perfect? No. Where there awkward moments when the feminist within me squirmed and protested? Absolutely. But the Spirit was also undeniably strong and the Sunday morning session in particular was pleasantly Christ-focused. Oh, President Uchtdorf. What would we do without you? Thank you so much for reminding us all of what it means to be a Christian. Regarding hypocrisy, a thought occurred to me: Usually when we talk about Pharisee-ism and hypocrisy, we envision the most pious, the most observant, those who follow the strictest interpretation of every letter of the law scorning those who don’t sin the way they do. And that is definitely an issue in the church. But I think among the more Spirit-of-the-law centered folks, we can have our own brand of hypocrisy. Now this thought was centered on myself, so I’m not seeking to condemn anyone, but my th...

I'm just shamelessly  reblogging thi s from By Common Consent because it speaks so articulately on my feelings about the endowment. Here were some of my highlights: "It’s cold comfort to tell my daughter that God probably isn’t a sexist and these things aren’t really the eternal order of things. If so, how should she feel about the temple? For many women in the church, the temple feels like it is pitted against our self-esteem and our personal feelings of worth. In order to accept the view of women in the temple, we have to sell ourselves short." "Usually women make it work one of three ways: 1) they simply ignore the differences in language and basically don’t listen or they selectively hear only the good things (these women are the most successful at making it work, and I’m not knocking this strategy; it just doesn’t work once you know what’s being said), 2) they assume God’s not sexist and it will all work out in the eternities, or 3) they look at the world a...

THIS COLLECTION  of quotes about the historical precedence of women using priesthood in ways that are no longer allowed is both eye opening and fascinating.  Some excerpts include:  " Joseph Smith’s private journal reads that he “ gave a lecture on the pries[t]hood shewing [sic] how the Sisters would come in possession of the privileges & blessings & gifts of the priesthood . & that the signs should follow them. such as healing the sick casting out devils”  - Book of the Law of the Lord,  8 April 1842" " The prophet Joseph’s secretary noted that Jane Bicknell Young was also endowed and received  “into the Quorum of the Priesthood.”  - 3 February 1844, Diary of William H. Clayton." "Elizabeth Ann Whitney  (counselor to Emma Smith in the Relief Society Presidency, wife of the Church’s first bishop) received her authority to bless through ordination.  “I was … ordained and set apart under the hand of Joseph Smith the...

I loved this conception of the Young Women values. Check out more HERE .

Ever since I was endowed I've tried to make sense of the sexism there and in the church. It sometimes appears benevolent, it sometimes appears only to be cultural, but once I was endowed, it became very obvious that there was a doctrinal source, somewhere. I feel like I've finally found it and I'm excited because it's actually the same source as the now-discarded racist "doctrine" that we used to spiritually disenfranchise our brothers and sisters of African decent. That was the now disavowed curse of Cain, and it is my opinion that the true source of all the sexism is the pseudo-doctrinal curse of Eve.  The endowment sets up a clear pattern of women being saved from the fall through hearkening to their husband's counsel. She will then become a priestess, but only unto him, while he becomes a priest unto God. In a sense it exalts the husband to become the God that the wife will serve in the eternities. You can read more about this interpretation HERE ....

A RECENT STUDY  declared that Utah is the worst state in the U.S. for women based on the criteria of health, leadership roles, income and political representation. Radio West did a show discussing this finding with a panel of Utah women. CHECK IT OUT HERE. 

I've had several people point out to me with concern that my survey was not conducted with adequate academic rigor. I had no intention of ever trying to get this survey published in a peer-reviewed journal of sociology. It was for my own interest and the interest of my readers. The survey has its imperfections and biases, but I found the results fascinating, for whatever they're worth. I primarily got my survey participants from online forums, among them the Facebook Groups 1 Million Mormons Online, the Mormon Channel, and the Official Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Facebook page. I also posted my survey link on Feminist Mormon Housewives' Facebook page, A Thoughtful Faith Support Group, a Facebook group called Temple Talk, the Cougar Board and another BYU sports chat website. I tried to have a somewhat varied sample of so-called TBMs (True Blue Mormons) and those who are more heterodox in their faith. However, I think more of the latter group responded, as y...

CLICK HERE  to participate in my survey about perceptions of gender dynamics among Latter-day Saints.

The term mansplain is not new, but if it is new to you here's the idea: A woman expresses her perspective. A man disagrees, but rather than simply state that he disagrees, he explains to her what he supposes she must not understand. The assumption being, if you understood this subject adequately you would have the right (my) opinion. The assumption also being that a woman could not possibly know as much about any topic as he does.  There are many different examples of mansplaining, different kinds of mansplainers . Not all men are mansplainers, but all mansplainers are men. Mansplaining is essentially taking advantage of the the many privileges in discourse that come along with being a man in our culture. It is presenting your (male) opinion as more authoritative or definitive than a woman's regardless of how much expertise she has on a topic.     Mansplaining is especially common and frustrating when it is a man telling a woman that her feelings are invalid ...

I was recently asked by a friend who reads my blog why I stay. The answer is long, nuanced and personal, but basically boils down to two things: 1-This church is where I found my Savior. And 2-I believe we can and will do better. Reading Neylan McBaine 's book Women At Church has been especially encouraging of my hope in the latter. A few months back, I had a long, painful, awkward struggle with my bishop over my son's baby blessing. I wanted to hold him. When that wasn't allowed then I wanted his permission to do it in our home, but he didn't trust me, having shown my feminist card, so he insisted that he be present to "preside" in my home. Those were his words. I ultimately chose to wash my hands of the whole thing and allow my husband to do whatever he wanted because it was made very clear to me that the church didn't care about my thoughts or desires on the matter whatsoever. I felt relegated to an unrelated bystander in the process. It was extremel...

"Don't talk too much!" - Elder Ballard to an audience full of women in the European Sister's Meeting. And just so no one accuses me of taking it out of context, here is the whole quote: "The blessing I would ask our Heavenly Father to grant unto you individually and collectively would be that you will never ever take lightly what you know to be true, that you will be pioneer, as the first pioneers, women of great strength, power and courage. That you will let your voices be heard, we cannot, we cannot meet our destiny as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in preparing this world for the 2nd coming of the Savior of the world without the support and the faith and the strength of the women of this church. We need you. We need your voices. They need to be heard. They need to be heard in your community, in your neighborhoods, they need to be heard within the ward council or the branch council. Now don't talk too much in those council meetings, jus...

The other day I went for a long walk with my dog and my baby in his running stroller. As we went along our usual Provo route, we went by a park where there was a young man doing sprints. He was wearing nothing but a pair of running shorts and some shoes. At first, I thought nothing of it, as I'm sure most people wouldn't. But then it suddenly occurred to me that if I were doing exactly what he was doing, wearing exactly what he was wearing, I would get arrested for indecent exposure. And I thought: this is a perfect example of patriarchy. Noticing patriarchy around you is all about noticing the ubiquitous assumption of a male perspective. Why can men walk around topless and not women? Because women's breasts are obscene. Why are they obscene? Because they're sexual. To whom are they sexual? Heterosexual males. So because heterosexual males find my body obscene, I can be arrested for wearing the exact same outfit as that man and doing the exact same thing he was do...