Thoughts on Motherhood
I realize that it's pretty cheeky of me to publicly share my comments on motherhood. I, the uninitiated. What good are my opinions on this topic? Because let's be honest, I don't know much about motherhood on a practical level. I've babysat and nannied enough to hope and pray that motherhood is a LOT more rewarding than that, and the general consensus of those I talk to seems to be that it is. I was watching The Hours the other day (How cliche, right? Virginia Woolf? Lesbians? Come on!) and the character named Kitty was very upset that she couldn't conceive. She was going to the doctor to get a surgery done that might help her predicament and her comment to her friend, played by Julianne Moore, was, "I don't think you can call yourself a woman until you're a mother." It's funny because that scene in the movie was set in 1950, but within the church, I don't think that opinion has changed much since then.
It seems quite possible to me that once I have kids, my feelings about feminism in the church will change. Perhaps I will suddenly feel entirely valued and understood and included in every way... But that in and of itself seems unfortunate to me. Should I have to have a baby before I feel like I'm entirely participating in my religion?
I love the focus on family in the church. As you read in my patriarchy post, I understand the centrality of the eternal family in our doctrine. I get how hugely important the role of a mother is in that set up, but what about all of the righteous women who don't marry or have kids in this life? I know they will receive every blessing in the next life... but until then?
Until then they are sometimes confused about their role in the church. On this one, I can speak authoritatively, having married at the wise old age of 26! :)
I'm not saying being a YSA is this horrible, terrible thing and that all of those women feel entirely forgotten etc. Not true at all. In fact, I rather hope my own daughters wait a while before they're married. But I do wish that we had talked more about the other ways we could serve in the kingdom before/besides motherhood and marriage. And at what point in a woman's mid-singles relief society experience should we stop teaching 40 year old women about their roles as mothers in this life and start focusing on the other good they can and should be doing? And would that other good be noticed or valued?
Elder Matthew Cowley taught that "Women are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls... and the regenerating force in the lives of God's children. [Motherhood] was the most ennobling endowment God could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave woman an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate."
It can be a difficult, but incontrovertible truth that although Latter-day Saint women have many opportunities to contribute, serve, teach and bless others, the greatest opportunity for all of these is motherhood. I won't argue with that fact. I believe that righteous motherhood has the most and longest reaching effects for good in the world and that it is more trying and perfecting than any other role a woman could have. It is, quite simply, crucial to salvation for a child to pass through the veil, enter into mortality and under the spiritual guidance of a loving mother, be awakened to the goodness of God and the importance of agency. All of these can be seen as preparatory ordinances, in a way, before a person can be baptized, confirmed, accept the priesthood, be endowed, sealed, etc. Motherhood is also the job that God personally assigned to His daughters, so in faith, I have to believe that it is the one that will bring us the most joy.
Mothers are women but not all women are mothers, right?
Elder John A. Widstoe said, "Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously. And Sherri Dew said, "As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers... Our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality... No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important... for mothers heal the souls of men."
I am so grateful for the knowledge of the centrality of the role of motherhood and the high esteem that that calling holds in the church. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that all women are mothers in their roles of healing and teaching the souls of men. I wish the world valued their role as much. The doctrine of the church is clear that all women have a powerful and essential role within the church. However, I believe an unintended and unfortunate side effect of all of this praising of mothers is that women who aren't blessed with children in this life may sometimes feel like they have no valued role. And women who can only handle 3 children and don't want 12 feel like they're wicked. And women who want to have kids but maybe also have a part-time job feel like they're being judged. I believe the only real solution to the plight of these women is understanding the doctrine and exhibiting Christian kindness, compassion, love and awareness. Because I think it is important for us to understand the centrality of the role of mothers, as long as no woman feels forgotten. The question is, is it possible to understand that motherhood is the most important work a woman could do, but that the other work is also still important? I don’t believe that recognizing or valuing the other spiritual gifts of women degrades the role of motherhood. Rather, it adds to it!
I think that the church could do a lot to expand the leadership roles of women within the church, helping women feel the value of their service, outside of motherhood. Some of these suggestions include:
It seems quite possible to me that once I have kids, my feelings about feminism in the church will change. Perhaps I will suddenly feel entirely valued and understood and included in every way... But that in and of itself seems unfortunate to me. Should I have to have a baby before I feel like I'm entirely participating in my religion?
I love the focus on family in the church. As you read in my patriarchy post, I understand the centrality of the eternal family in our doctrine. I get how hugely important the role of a mother is in that set up, but what about all of the righteous women who don't marry or have kids in this life? I know they will receive every blessing in the next life... but until then?
Until then they are sometimes confused about their role in the church. On this one, I can speak authoritatively, having married at the wise old age of 26! :)
I'm not saying being a YSA is this horrible, terrible thing and that all of those women feel entirely forgotten etc. Not true at all. In fact, I rather hope my own daughters wait a while before they're married. But I do wish that we had talked more about the other ways we could serve in the kingdom before/besides motherhood and marriage. And at what point in a woman's mid-singles relief society experience should we stop teaching 40 year old women about their roles as mothers in this life and start focusing on the other good they can and should be doing? And would that other good be noticed or valued?
Elder Matthew Cowley taught that "Women are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls... and the regenerating force in the lives of God's children. [Motherhood] was the most ennobling endowment God could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave woman an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate."
It can be a difficult, but incontrovertible truth that although Latter-day Saint women have many opportunities to contribute, serve, teach and bless others, the greatest opportunity for all of these is motherhood. I won't argue with that fact. I believe that righteous motherhood has the most and longest reaching effects for good in the world and that it is more trying and perfecting than any other role a woman could have. It is, quite simply, crucial to salvation for a child to pass through the veil, enter into mortality and under the spiritual guidance of a loving mother, be awakened to the goodness of God and the importance of agency. All of these can be seen as preparatory ordinances, in a way, before a person can be baptized, confirmed, accept the priesthood, be endowed, sealed, etc. Motherhood is also the job that God personally assigned to His daughters, so in faith, I have to believe that it is the one that will bring us the most joy.
Mothers are women but not all women are mothers, right?
Elder John A. Widstoe said, "Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously. And Sherri Dew said, "As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers... Our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality... No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important... for mothers heal the souls of men."
I am so grateful for the knowledge of the centrality of the role of motherhood and the high esteem that that calling holds in the church. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that all women are mothers in their roles of healing and teaching the souls of men. I wish the world valued their role as much. The doctrine of the church is clear that all women have a powerful and essential role within the church. However, I believe an unintended and unfortunate side effect of all of this praising of mothers is that women who aren't blessed with children in this life may sometimes feel like they have no valued role. And women who can only handle 3 children and don't want 12 feel like they're wicked. And women who want to have kids but maybe also have a part-time job feel like they're being judged. I believe the only real solution to the plight of these women is understanding the doctrine and exhibiting Christian kindness, compassion, love and awareness. Because I think it is important for us to understand the centrality of the role of mothers, as long as no woman feels forgotten. The question is, is it possible to understand that motherhood is the most important work a woman could do, but that the other work is also still important? I don’t believe that recognizing or valuing the other spiritual gifts of women degrades the role of motherhood. Rather, it adds to it!
I think that the church could do a lot to expand the leadership roles of women within the church, helping women feel the value of their service, outside of motherhood. Some of these suggestions include:
- Allowing the Relief Society and Primary more autonomy in decision making, in budget control and in the writing of their own manuals.
- Allowing women to serve in leadership callings which are currently held by men, for which there is no clear reason why holding the priesthood is necessary, such as Sunday school president.
- Allowing women to pray in General Conference.
- Allowing the Auxillary leaders to serve for longer periods of time, perhaps for life.
- Allowing more women to speak in General Conference.
- Studying from the lives and teachings of righteous female leaders of the church in Sunday school, Relief Society and Priesthood the way we currently study the teachings of the prophets.
First of all, I really like your blog! I wouldn't say I agree 100% with some of your arguments, but I like the way you write and you are brave for writing about a subject that probably gets you a lot of backlash. It makes me sad that a lot of women in the church feel "second class" in some way, and I, like you, want to acknowledge their concerns. Some of my own sisters have become inactive because they felt like social pariahs once they turned 31 and were still single. It's a very touchy subject.
ReplyDeleteSome thoughts came to my mind as I read this post. First, let me share some of my new insights as a first-time mom. Motherhood is the most eye-opening, humbling, challenging trial by fire that I have ever gone through. I now look around the Relief Society room and think, "Wow... these women are absolutely amazing. How did they have more than one child? How??" It's not the momentary difficulty that makes it hard (a screaming child for an hour, for example). It's the day in, day out, never ending service to this little being that can be extremely overwhelming. Mix in hormones and breastfeeding and a post-baby body (I have returned to my pre-pregnancy weight but I doubt my body will return to its pre-pregnancy shape). I totally understand now how moms can lose their own identities.
It is my belief that motherhood is the best way for us to learn to be selfless. I did not know how selfish I truly was until I had my son. By teaching us how to be selfless, it (motherhood) also teaches us to be like Christ. I just think motherhood is the fastest way for us to learn that trait. Likewise, I feel that a righteously exercised priesthood is the best way to learn selflessness for a man. So, it would make sense to me that the church would emphasize motherhood for women and obtaining the priesthood for men - since, by their very natures, both bring us more expediently toward selflessness and, subsequently, Christ. I think the church encourages men to exercise their priesthood in every available capacity for this reason - through leadership positions, study by example, public prayer, etc. Only by exercising this priesthood are they magnifying it.
Sisters who have not had the opportunity to marry or bear children right now may just already have been blessed with the heart and capacity on their own to be selfless. Who knows? I agree that there are other ways for a woman to serve and love and build up the kingdom, and that those ways should be discussed more in our meetings. I guess what I'm saying is that I understand where the church is coming from on this one.
Hopefully some of that made sense. :) I don't know if it did. I'm really tired and my son just started crying so I had to hurry and wrap this up. We need to have you over for dinner!! TJ wants to play some Catan with you and Matt. :)
Ashley, thanks so much for your insightful comment. We'd love to come over and meet little Calvin sometime! :) And we will bring Catan!
ReplyDeleteI think female General Conference prayers, more women talks in GC, studying the lives of righteous lds women manuals, female SS presidency, and even female ward clerks are all interesting ideas.
ReplyDeleteI do not understand at all why anyone of either gender would want to be the head of an auxiliary for life????
I also am old enough to remember the days when the RS was financially independent, raised whole bunches of money on bazaars and had extra money for their own activities. Things changed (that happens with a living prophet) and all monies were then under the direction of the PEC to allow disbursement of ward budgets according to the inspiration of the bishops and ward councils. That seems to me to be a more inclusive way to use the funds of the church.
As far as writing their own manuals. I don't know, but I would be surprised if women in General Auxiliary leadership callings in the church do not meet with the curriculum department and counsel together. One of the impressive things about this church is the worldwide aspect of the core principles and doctrines taught to the general membership of the church. Great effort is expended to maintain the purity and continuity of church teachings. I am sooo impressed with the use of the internet in maintaining this purity. There is such a huge variance in this world wide church from different cultures and traditions that it is miraculous that things stay as pure and undefiled as they do!
I also think it is good that men and women study the same lessons from the same manuals in priesthood and relief society. It leads to some great conversations among families after church.
As far as your thoughts on motherhood goes, all I can say is, I'm glad I'm yours.....and there is room in Heavenly Father's family for all of His children with all their wondrous uniqueness! We get into trouble when we compare instead of celebrate our differences. 12 or 3 kids, job or not........what matters is what is right for you, according to personal revelation between you, your husband and the Spirit, not what may be right for any other person. Live your life for God's approval and approbation. If the world sees it differently, too bad!
I'm sure you've read the Neylan McBaine from the 2012 FAIR conference (here it is if you haven't: http://www.fairlds.org/fair-conferences/2012-fair-conference/2012-to-do-the-business-of-the-church-a-cooperative-paradigm). Many of her suggestions in her final 5th section remind me of some you've outlined here. One that I especially like is about integrating more women's teachings into our curriculum. I found it somewhat bothersome when the Church rolled out the "Daughters in my Kingdom" book only to the Relief Society sisters. Why should this not be given to men and youth so that they also begin to see the role the RS has played in our Church's history? If it's important, then it should be important for more than women. If it's not really that important, then...
ReplyDeleteFor me I almost think more women speakers would be more valuable on a ward/stake level than in General Conference. We have Stake High Council speakers routinely in my ward, and I would love to see the Stake RS or YW or Primary presidency rotate as well. I feel like it would be so valuable locally for people to be more aware of who the female leaders in their stake or ward are.
I'm not sure how you feel about the motherhood-priesthood equivalence. In many ways, VHC's arguments bolster it, while some other MoFem's disagree. I am probably somewhere in the middle about it, but I know for my husband, the emphasis on priesthood rather than fatherhood kind of bothers him because being a father is what has really changed his life, taught him selflessness, etc. He's a stay-at-home dad now, but even before that, becoming a father was as life-changing an experience as he could go through. This may not be true for everyone, but for him, his priesthood responsibilities have paled in comparison.
I totally agree. Oversimplifying and saying that motherhood is the female equivalent of priesthood makes fatherhood sound like this unimportant side role for men. And I would love it if we would teach from Daughters in my Kingdom in Sunday school and even Priesthood!
ReplyDelete