Recent Thoughts

Baby blessings are difficult. You'd think given all the lip service that the church gives mothers that they'd come up with some way to allow moms to feel like something other than bystanders. But neither of the bishops I had while blessing a child did. So I was again unable to even hold my child, again told that my participation was unnecessary and unwanted in this event.

Some moms are allowed to hold their babies while they're blessed at church. Other moms who feel similarly bless their children at home where no church leader can interfere with deciding who holds the child (the fact that this is even an issue seems insane to me). Some moms will do a mother's blessing  at home.

My husband was uncomfortable with a home blessing. I was uncomfortable with a private mother's blessing because it felt like this furtive, sad, consolation prize. My ability to bless or hold my child isn't a question to me, it's the fact that my doing so is viewed as illegitimate or shameful by others that bothers me.

So then of course conversations with family  about these issues unavoidably ensue. And the thing that sticks with me afterwards is sadness that now comes from being viewed as "the world" or the enemy. It's the total unwillingness to give me the benefit of the doubt. So here's a few questions for you:

Do you think I wanted to complicate my life and my marriage and all of my family relationships by following my conscience away from the church?

Do you think I made this decision quickly, easily, without much consideration?

Do you really think all I'll need in order to see the error of my ways is that one Ensign article you sent me?

Do you think there is any facet of these issues that I haven't picked apart, pondered, wrestled with, lost sleep over and considered? Or any church teaching I haven't tried to use make all my concerns go away?

Do you really think I haven't considered that maybe all of these problems might just stem from my own wickedness or pride? And might all be resolved if I could just be humble enough, righteous enough, etc.?

If you can believe any of these things about me then you don't know me very well and you sure as heck didn't know me very well 10 years ago when all of the allegiance of my heart and soul was given to the LDS church.

I would not have broken that bond if I didn't feel like I had to. I would not have chosen this path if I felt I could avoid it and be true to myself. Feel free to judge me as worldly and deceived, but don't get mad at me when I explain my reasoning to you and it makes a lot of sense and makes you uncomfortable and upset.

As much as you might wish otherwise, these really aren't easily dismissable issues and trying to oversimplify them is disingenuous and does a lot of people a disservice. So maybe I am proud, but that doesn't mean the issues I have with the church and gender aren't totally valid. Feel free to ignore them or not let them bother you if it makes your life less complicated, but I promise there's no easy answer to them. I wish there were. 

Comments

  1. MillaFebruary 28, 2017 at 2:19 PM

    Hi Abigayle.
    I’m sure you know there is a community out there for people like us, who had to make the heart-wrenching decision to leave the lds church. We did it even though it broke our hearts. We did it even though it broke our relationships. We did it because we had no choice; we had to be true to ourselves.

    Reading your blog over the years, many of the matters that you struggled with were familiar to me, but nothing so much as these last 2 posts. I left in 2011. That is a rough time, but also kind of a glorious time. After being freed from the cognitive dissonance from just being true-blue mormon, to the gargantuan turmoil that comes when trying to “believe” your way out of the creeping doubts, to … to this. It’s … it’s like being free. Free to think. Free to have peace of mind. Free to trust yourself first and foremost.

    I like you; I like that you’re open about all this. When I was going through this, it made no sense to NOT talk about doubts -- whether the church was true or not! -- but several doubting friends have lived for years hiding their disbelief from their communities. It goes against my (and your) nature to pretend, I guess, and life really is better for it.

    I hope things get better for you. I remember what is like to be “the world” and therefore not to be trusted. I had many similar questions to the ones you listed here. It’s … it’s the worst…. especially from close family. Six years later, I’m still trying to heal the wounds that that left in me.

    But it is worth it. I *still* stop and look around and know that I made the right choice. I am wholly, authentically me.

    My best to you and yours.
    Camilla Schulte
    Seattle WA

    ReplyDelete

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